Ms. Durlin chops down tree. Photo: Gabriel Kadoori

Pace Academy Upper School English teacher Marsha Durlin has been sentenced to 55 years in prison for her crimes against the environment. For decades, Durlin has walked into class and handed every student an uncanny amount of packets consisting of up to twenty articles. Oftentimes, students’ binders become crippled as they simply cannot hold the amount of paper that she hands out. In fact, senior Jack Warren informed The Knightly News that he is on his seventh binder of the year.

But, it isn’t just the binders that are suffering from Durlin’s onslaught of packets. Senior Eddi Aronson has developed some serious health issues as a result of AP Language and Composition. “It’s gotten so bad that I have to go to the chiropractor weekly. I don’t have the strength to carry such a great weight on my back,” Aronson said.

In addition to the physical harm, the packets have caused psychological trauma on a number of students. “Every waking minute, all I can think of are the packets. Tartuffe. Artifice. Women in Tech. Even as I sleep, Sultan Khan haunts my dreams,” Senior Alex Spinelli bravely revealed. She recently started visiting a therapist for her troubles. 

Prior to her arrest, Durlin had decimated many of America’s most famous forests including the Redwood National Park, the Tongass National Forest and the Appalachian Mountains. “It was getting out of hand and action needed to be taken. Dr. Anthony Fauci projected that if Durlin continued at this rate, trees, and consequently all life on Earth, would cease to exist by 2035,” according to President Joe Biden. 

Senior Jaxon Wiloughby recently expressed his gratitude that the packets have finally come to an end. “It was about time. I’m glad someone finally did something.” Willoughby is looking forward to hosting a bonfire to get rid of the excess paper that floods his home and welcomes any other students who have been affected by the packets.

PSA: The entire Atlanta Fire Department will be on standby as this event has the potential to start the largest forest fire in modern history.

April fools!

Get the discussion going! Leave a comment or reply below.