Upper School math teacher Jason Smith looking away from the Cliff Bar in disgust. Photo: David Fu

On his return to school for Spring Break, self-proclaimed granola bar connoisseur Jason Smith announced that he would be boycotting Cliff bars. “Over the past couple of years, the quality has gone down and the price has increased,” said Mr. Smith. “I don’t think anybody should be buying or eating them anymore.” Along with these statements, he has openly insulted the once-beloved Cliff bars and now thinks of them as “filthy, overpriced trash.”

Instead of eating Cliff Bars, he has elected Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Bars to replace them. “I discovered Nutri-Grain bars for the first time when I was experimenting with new granola bar brands during Spring Break. It was a life-changing experience,” said Mr. Smith. “With a whopping 2 grams of protein and 130 calories per serving, these bars are the greatest things ever made.” He also claims that these bars have the perfect amount of sweetness and aren’t as dry as Cliff Bars. 

Although this seems like a harmless announcement, some students see this announcement as a complete betrayal. “I have known Mr. Smith for a while now, and from the time I met him, he was always in love with Cliff Bars. He would go on 3 hour-long lectures about how great Cool Mint Chocolate Chip Cliff Bars tasted, and he would always be praising them,” said Senior Kargil Behl. “I just can’t believe that he would betray Cliff Bars like that.” There has been some speculation that Mr. Smith is making these claims for financial gain. When he was still enjoying Cliff Bars, he would buy each box himself and received nothing from the company. However, there is suspicion that Kelloggs has offered him a sponsorship to support Nutri-Grain bars in order for their product to sell better in the snack bar. Although the details of the contract are unknown, Mr. Smith has been avoiding questions that talk about Kelloggs as a whole. 

April fools!

Get the discussion going! Leave a comment or reply below.