Whether squatting behind home plate or strolling through the commons, senior Jonathan “Wizard” Merlin is guaranteed to have eyes follow him. Now, I know what you might be thinking, but it is not because of his luscious locks or his impeccable taste in athleisure wear.
Walking through the halls, it is not uncommon to hear students put Wizard and Kardashian in the same sentence. After all, Kim and Wizard have remarkably similar…shapes. This raises the oh-so-important questions: are they “au naturale” as they claim? Did they use the same surgeon? What procedure did they have done? Is it just the SKIMS shapewear?
Last month, during a biology lecture on the dangers of surgery, Wizard spoke out about his feelings on plastic surgery. “I just see no need to go under the knife if it could result in death,” he said. “Besides I would rather earn my dream body rather than buy it.” One of his close friends confirmed Wizard’s fear of doctors in general. “He cries like a baby when he goes to get his flu shot,” said senior Samuel “Bread” Bready. “Unless he was hammered, there is no way that man would get plastic surgery.”
It is clear that plastic surgery was not responsible for the Wizard’s hourglass shape. So what is? A behind that round is not achieved by squatting a few times each day at baseball practice. That left only two options: a careful selection of light grey lululemon joggers or something hidden under the soft, luxurious fabric of said joggers.
Wishing he could look like Wizard in his baseball pants, senior captain of the baseball team Jae Williams decided to investigate. “One day while he was in the batting cage, I went through his bag, and you are not going to believe what I found,” said Williams. “He had an entire bag full of butt pads.” Williams, baffled yet relieved Wizard had not outworked him in the weight room, went on to describe his findings. “He had all different color pads, each with a different day of the week written on them.”
Wizard immediately began defending himself once he looked over and saw Williams holding his pink cheetah print Friday pad in the air. “I have my reasons,” said Wizard. “One, the chairs at Pace are uncomfortable. Two, it is a conversation starter with girls because they always ask about my workout routine.” Wizard’s embarrassment was soon squashed as he heard a voice in the back of the locker room. “Ay yo Wiz where you buy those? I want some,” hollered senior Greyson Oberry.
APRIL FOOLS!