{"id":346247,"date":"2022-04-01T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-04-01T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/?p=346247"},"modified":"2022-03-31T23:40:15","modified_gmt":"2022-04-01T03:40:15","slug":"marsha-durlin-sentenced-to-55-years-for-destroying-forests","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/2022\/04\/01\/marsha-durlin-sentenced-to-55-years-for-destroying-forests\/","title":{"rendered":"Marsha Durlin Sentenced to 55 Years for Destroying Forests"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"
Ms. Durlin chops down tree. Photo: Gabriel Kadoori<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Pace Academy Upper School English teacher Marsha Durlin has been sentenced to 55 years in prison for her crimes against the environment. For decades, Durlin has walked into class and handed every student an uncanny amount of packets consisting of up to twenty articles. Oftentimes, students\u2019 binders become crippled as they simply cannot hold the amount of paper that she hands out. In fact, senior Jack Warren informed The Knightly News that he is on his seventh binder of the year.<\/span><\/p>\n

But, it isn\u2019t just the binders that are suffering from Durlin\u2019s onslaught of packets. Senior Eddi Aronson has developed some serious health issues as a result of AP Language and Composition. \u201cIt\u2019s gotten so bad that I have to go to the chiropractor weekly. I don\u2019t have the strength to carry such a great weight on my back,\u201d Aronson said. <\/span><\/p>\n

In addition to the physical harm, the packets have caused psychological trauma on a number of students. \u201cEvery waking minute, all I can think of are the packets. Tartuffe. Artifice. Women in Tech. Even as I sleep, Sultan Khan haunts my dreams,\u201d Senior Alex Spinelli bravely revealed. She recently started visiting a therapist for her troubles.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Prior to her arrest, Durlin had decimated many of America\u2019s most famous forests including the Redwood National Park, the Tongass National Forest and the Appalachian Mountains. \u201cIt was getting out of hand and action needed to be taken. Dr. Anthony Fauci projected that if Durlin continued at this rate, trees, and consequently all life on Earth, would cease to exist by 2035,\u201d according to President Joe Biden.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Senior Jaxon Wiloughby recently expressed his gratitude that the packets have finally come to an end. \u201cIt was about time. I\u2019m glad someone finally did something.\u201d Willoughby is looking forward to hosting a bonfire to get rid of the excess paper that floods his home and welcomes any other students who have been affected by the packets. <\/span><\/p>\n

PSA: The entire Atlanta Fire Department will be on standby as this event has the potential to start the largest forest fire in modern history.<\/span><\/p>\n

April fools!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Pace Academy Upper School English teacher Marsha Durlin has been sentenced to 55 years in prison for her crimes against the environment. For decades, Durlin has walked into class and handed every student an uncanny amount of packets consisting of up to twenty articles. Oftentimes, students\u2019 binders become crippled asContinue Reading<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":442,"featured_media":346616,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["entry","author-","post-346247","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-pacenews"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/files\/2022\/02\/durlinrbg.jpg?fit=1008%2C663&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1TYqQ-1s4D","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/346247","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/442"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=346247"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/346247\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":346736,"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/346247\/revisions\/346736"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/346616"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=346247"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=346247"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/knightlife.paceacademy.org\/knightlynews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=346247"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}