Photo: Kathryn Hood

Every morning when you wake up, what is the first thing you hear? When you go outside, what watches you from the trees, eyes flicking side to side? What stains your car, hops next to you on the sidewalk, and follows you anywhere and everywhere? That’s right: birds. While past ICGL themes have covered widely known issues like climate change, waste and water, the ICGL has decided to focus on a rarely known issue, a national security threat created by the U.S.: the government drone bird crisis. 

During the height of the Cold War, in 1953, Allen Dulles became the director of the CIA and made it his mission to ramp up surveillance. President Dwight D. Eisenhower proposed a plan that would put cameras in the sky and Dulles took this into consideration. He became known for his belief that cameras in the sky were the future of espionage. In May 1956, Dulles and his inner circle were heard calling birds “flying slugs” and “the scum of the skies.” What better way to kill two birds with one stone? 

Over 65 billion dollars of public health funds left their rightful place on May 6, 1957, the same day Dulles met with an unidentified man from Boeing and ordered 120 B-02 bombers. Because he could not let the American public know about his plans, he had the aircraft constructed in Nevada, in Area 51, where they sang songs like “I Hate Birds” and “Let’s Kill All the Birds.” 

You may be asking, how do we know this information? While much of this intelligence was retrieved from illegal, censored websites and pamphlets that reveal these government secrets, much detail comes from a single man. While the 21 engineers working on the project mysteriously vanished after it was finished, there were actually 22 engineers. One was left behind in the Waffle House bathroom after he was “singing way too loud” and “ wouldn’t stop requesting to play One Direction.” This man is our very own Ted Ward.

In a top-secret interview, Mr. Ward admitted that “Ted Ward,” of course, is a fake name. “While I’m currently on the run from the government, I will get my revenge for them leaving me behind, alone in the Waffle House bathroom,” he said with tears in his eyes. I asked him how old he was, to be working as an engineer in 1956. “Ha, ha, ha,” laughed Mr. Ward. He never answered the question. 

Mr. Ward said that Dulles used these planes to distribute a deadly virus that would infect only birds at 8,000 feet. The virus easily spread to other birds. When they went to report on these plans to President John F. Kennedy, he immediately shut them down. One week later, Kennedy was dead. A month later, a phenomenon occurred across the country in which birds dropped out of the sky. However, since they were immediately replaced with robot birds, no one seemed to care and it was easily covered up. “Can you tell me one time a bird and a government drone have ever been seen in the same room? Such tragic deaths,” said Mr. Ward, dabbing his eyes.  

To raise awareness, the ICGL Council will distribute “Birds Aren’t Real” T-shirts after school. During break, they will participate in a robot bird sacrificial ritual to mourn the extinction of all birds worldwide and to prove that birds are truly robots. A speaker whose name cannot be revealed will speak at assembly. Said speaker has worked in the factory that produced robot birds. In science classes, students will work on bringing birds back from extinction. On the final day of school, students will lead a full scale revolt against the government in order to dismantle the robot birds and restore order to the world. 


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