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Pace to Arm Teachers

Head of Libraries Matt Ball keeps his gun handy in his newly silent library. Photo: Charlie Hirsch

The raging debate about arming teachers at Pace is over. When the students return from summer break with clear minds and renewed energy, they will be greeted by an eager faculty and staff with new helpful teaching tools. Pace Academy is pleased to announce that beginning Fall 2018, all faculty and staff will be “packing heat.”

“The students need protection, and the best and most efficient way to keep them safe is to give all of the teachers guns,” said Upper School Head Mike Gannon. “I believe the atmosphere at Pace will be much safer if we ensure that there’s a gun in every teachers’ desk.”

Teachers may designate a drawer in their desks for their guns and keep it unlocked for quick, easy access. Other teachers may utilize a holster so they can boast their weapons everywhere they go such as athletic competitions or play practice.

Pace has not made this policy decision without thorough research and planning. The first step is to give all teachers the model of gun with which they are most comfortable. On GAP day, immediately following freshman Phlotilla, the natatorium will be quickly transformed into a multi-lane gun range. Much like the way arenas change surfaces from hardwood to ice in hours, the pool will be covered and the targets will be set at the end of each swimming lane. An array of guns ranging from GLOCK 19 pistols to hunting rifles will be laid out on the diving boards for teacher testing.

“I already know which gun will fit me best,” said cheery librarian Matt Ball. “I’m going to go straight for the Smith & Wesson 9mm on GAP day and ace the shooting test, showing up Mr. Hornor and Mr. Canfield.” He hopes to hit the center of the targets at the full length of the pool on his first try. Also, being a librarian, he will accessorize his weapon with a silencer.

Along with shooting tests, teachers will go to paintball school in Macon, Georgia for the last week of July. Dubbed “Gun Camp,” the teachers will hone their shooting skills and learn team tactical operations. On the last day, there will be a battle royale, much like the popular video game “Fortnite,” to see who will be promoted to the new Head of Firearms position at Pace.

“I hope to win the battle royale on July 31,” said history teacher Helen Smith. “I think ‘Head of Firearms Ms. Smith’ rolls off the tongue quite nicely.” If Ms. Smith wins, she will be tasked with the hiring of professional sharpshooters to staff the new sentries in the castle turrets.

“It’s about time the teachers come to school with weapons,” said Honor Council member and junior Clay Swecichowski. “Now students will have to take a long look at the lethal power of their teachers before deciding to cheat.” The administration believes the guns should not only reduce cheating rates, but also misconduct in the classrooms and the restrooms.

Along with an entire fleet of armed teachers, two students from each grade will bring guns to school every day. These eight students will be recognized individually by Head of School Fred Assaf shortly following the Honors Day assembly. The school is taking notes from the TSA system of air marshals in keeping the names of the student wielders confidential. “It will be extremely unsettling to know that any of my friends might have a gun in their backpack,” said freshman Eli Mautner. But having students with guns will keep the armed teachers in check and help everyone feel safe – students and teachers alike.