Sammy Lettes 01

Sammy Lettes Banished from Hometown of Memphis

Sammy Lettes attempts to evade the Memphis police after his crime Credit: Memphis PD

Sammy Lettes attempts to evade the Memphis police after his crime. Photo: Memphis PD

The police sirens cut like a knife through the humid summer air. Junior Sammy Lettes frantically darts through the darkness, attempting to evade the closely-following authorities. Just a few hours ago, this man was the pride and joy of Memphis, the heir to the valuable “zoot suit” fortune. In a matter of minutes, his life was turned upside down.

Sammy turns into an alleyway, only to discover that he has reached a dead end. Embracing defeat, Sammy rubs his lucky galaxy Nike Elite socks, recites a prayer and turns towards the light.

The string of events that led to this situation are still being evaluated by some of the country’s top scholars. However, these are the facts that the public does know. On a June day last summer, numerous individuals on the streets of Memphis witnessed Sammy saunter casually into a department store. Business had brought the young man to Memphis, as he had brought his prized dog Roxie to attend the annual Beale Street Dog Competition.

Bringing along his soccer friends Bill Clinton and Machope, the group crowded into Sammy’s Prius and arrived in Memphis around 3 p.m. From that point on, Sammy’s life would never be the same. The group stopped at Edgar Lemisce’s house, Sammy’s twice removed grandfather, for a quick snack. Twenty minutes into the meal, Sammy vanished. “He was halfway through a lemon square and a grape soda, then he said he had to go to the bathroom,” said Lemisce. “After a few minutes, we started to look for him, only to discover that the Prius was gone.”

At around 5 p.m., store owner Shelby Etkind reported a disturbance in her locally-operated pastry shop. A man with a “Howie Mandell” looking goatee reportedly jumped the counter and began to steal all the store’s Cinnabons, only to hurl them at passing schoolchildren. Clad in a full cream-sickle zoot suit and white sunglasses, the man committing the crime was unmistakable. Once the crime was reported, the chase was on.

Gifted with magnificent pecs and boyish calves, Sammy was able to evade the police for several months; however, the authorities were able to track his location to a local Wii competition at Jericho Brown’s house, a typical Lettes family hideout. “This is a sad day for the entire Lettes family and the city of Memphis,” said father Louis Lettes after hearing of his son’s capture. “After generations of Memphis excellency, Sammy’s recent actions have brought shame to our beautiful city.”

In the aftermath of his downfall, Sammy Lettes has found solace through his friends, including Robert-Bias Smith, Richard Lollard and Charles. In addition, he received frequent visits from Rabbi Deborah Neumark, who showed him the power of Judaism as a source of inner peace.

On the anniversary of the “doughnut debacle,” Memphis mayor Jim Strickland announced before a crowd of millions in front of city hall that Sammy Lettes had been officially banished from the city that had raised him. “Although there will always be a place for Sammy in our hearts, we cannot condone his actions on that fateful day,” said Mayor Strickland. “This is a day that will live in infamy, and I declare from now on that Sammy will no longer be allowed within our city limits.”