Most Eligible Bachelorette: Frances Crisler
Desperately walking through the mall clutching a dozen roses, the lonely bachelors of Atlanta scour Lenox for the perfect bachelorette. They have searched near and far for the perfect girl: tall, funny and beautiful, and are on the verge of going home to play COD alone for another year… until they see her. Somehow the quirky blonde in the corner, sketchily eyeing her surroundings with her friend, catches your attention and you’re suddenly under her hold. Perplexed and confused, they approach the strange creature nervously. This is Frances Crisler, 2016’s Most Eligible Bachelorette.
If you are a grandpa-guy, own a G-wagon or are of Indian heritage, Frances Crisler is your girl this Valentine’s Day. She is currently dreading Valentine’s Day due to her boring plans of going to the mall to people watch, then going on a date with Janis (her mannequin). Deep in her heart, though, she hopes that the apple of her eye, sophomore Shaaz Thobani, will surprise her with an elegant candlelight dinner.
According to Frances, her ideal date would be “[senior] Wallis [Ohlhausen] showing up to my house with an inflatable kiddie pool, filling the kiddie pool with warm milk, and eating Twinkies all night.” Some fun tidbits about Frances include the fact that she “believes the United States should annex North Dakota” and that she has four and a half toes on her left foot.
Frances’ past relationships have been rocky, with her biggest regret being when she dated Pace alum Alex Nash ’13. But not to worry, Frances still believes in love at first sight. “That’s how I fell in love with Tim,” says Frances as she dreamily looks over at senior Tim “The Truth” Coleman in the Commons.
To be like Tim and Shaaz, and secure your spot as Frances’ hot beau you must meet several qualifications. These include being less powerful than Frances while also being available to fulfill her every need. She describes these characteristics as being “not that hard to find,” noting how she is ideally looking for the male version of herself. “Having a pulse is optional,” Frances claims.
To all single and ready to mingle gentlemen out there, now is your chance to make this Valentine’s Day the best one yet. Just don’t forget to bring the Rolex watch that Frances has always wanted.