Mrs. Culp Exposed as Resident Calculator Thief
The recent string of panicked “Missing TI-84 Calculator” bulletins on the Upper School News and Announcements conference has sparked concern among Pace Academy; students have begun to worry over the safety of their own precious mathematical tools. “I no longer feel safe leaving Dwight [the name of her calculator] abandoned and naked in Inman,” said sophomore Annie Butler. This feeling of anxiety is rampant throughout the entire Pace community and is the reason for the amped up security measures that the school has been taking. “Many people assume that our resident police officers patrol the grounds for stronger protection in response to the school shooting in Newtown,” said Upper School Head Mr. Gannon, “But he’s actually staying vigilant to find the infamous ‘Calculator Thief.'” The Knightly News staff decided to investigate further to unmask the burglar and found surprising information: Pace Academy’s resident calculator thief is none other than Mrs. Culp.
Not knowing where to begin the search, the Knightly News staff began by questioning those students who had posted the frantic announcements. This proved to be a good place to start when junior Jake Pokalsky disclosed that he had planted a GPS tracking device in his calculator and was ready to hunt down his missing property. Jake’s device led him all the way to Student Affairs. Confused as to why his calculator would be here, Jake was prepared to abandon the search until a high-pitched “beep” sounded from under Mrs. Culp’s desk. When he peered under, Jake discovered a large stash of around 14 calculators clumped in a pile. “I knew it was Mrs. Culp’s pile right away because they were hidden under one of her quilts I had seen displayed in the library,” Jake said. Mrs. Culp was immediately notified of the discovery of her calculator collection, and she came without a fight. “I was planning on building a robot to man the front desk for me whenever I’m away,” Mrs. Culp said as she explained her motives for swiping student property, “I just don’t trust anyone else to do the job!”
Mrs. Culp was brought to trial with the Student Honor Council, but no punishment was given provided all calculators were returned to their proper owners. “I’m so happy to have my calculator back home safe and sound!” said freshman Mary Stuart Grey, “But I am completely shocked that it was Mrs. Culp who stole it. She seemed so sweet!” Lesson learned, Pace Academy students: don’t leave your valuables so casually lying around. You never know who might snatch them to build a robot.
By Riley Muse, Staff Writer ’14
Photo: Riley Muse