No More Holds on the Chicken?! [April Fools!]

We demand change! Photo: Mariam Dvalishvili

It’s 12:29 pm. You’ve had a test and three other long, boring, and draining classes in the morning. You missed a sandwich at break because your test lasted so long. As you walk up the stairs you see the lunch line. You faithfully stand in line for what seems like hours. You reach the front of the line, tastebuds tingling, mouth watering for just a little bit of food. You look on the menu and see one of Pace’s many infamous chicken dishes. You politely ask, “Could I please have some chicken?” The response? “THERE’S A HOLD ON THE CHICKEN!” Alas, your stomach won’t be filled for at least another ten minutes. Now you have to scarf down your food as if you had been fasting for weeks in order to get to your next class on time. The next time chicken is on the menu, the process happens again.

The Student Council has received numerous complaints about chicken (and other foods) being in short supply. According to cafeteria correspondent and senior Jonathan Webster, this problem has now been solved. “No more shall students’ grumbling bellies be left unfilled!” said Webster. Due to a new supply chain and stockpiling strategy, much like the one used in nuclear fallout shelters during the 1950s, the chicken will now always be available for students in bountiful plenty. When asked about the change, Head of School Mr. Gannon replied, “Yes! Students have needed this problem solved for a long time. We as administration were actually close to simply lengthening the lunch period in order to allow more time for these ‘holding patterns’ on the chicken. Thankfully, now that won’t happen.” According to Sage, extra contingency chicken will be airdropped via military helicopter on the back field. Lunch ladies Ms. Candy and Ms. Liz will retrieve the chicken to serve to the students with plenty of time to spare. There is overwhelming support for this strategic move, and we can now confirm that the cafeteria staff will never again have to say that there’s a hold on the chicken.

By Cal Harris, Staff Writer ’12

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