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Let’s Get Real with Jake Movsovitz

Jake "The Snake" is also known as "Mr. Steal Yo Girl" Credit: Brian Sloan

Jake “The Snake” is also known as “Mr. Steal Your Girl”
Photo: Brian Sloan

The sweat drips down the forehead of junior Jake Movsovitz as he fervently scribbles the final notes on his flow paper. Although he has prepared his 2AC countless times before, he still experiences the same excitement every time he delivers the speech.

Jake peers at his worst enemy: the clock. He instantaneously examines his opponents across the room, pleading for mercy before Jake takes the stand. But Jake has no mercy, and he knows victory is imminent.

As he takes one last look at his paper, the timer sounds, and he ascends to the podium. This is the life of Jake Movsovitz, a fast-paced existence of debate intertwined with basketball superiority. I had the opportunity to sit down with the legend in this first installment of “Let’s Get Real.”

Brian Sloan: Thank you for seeing me, Jake. I know you have a packed schedule. Even though you are occupied most of the time by debate and basketball, what do you enjoy doing in your free time?

Jake Movsovitz: On the weekends, I often sit for hours in my friend [junior] Ross Cefalu’s rose garden and watch as his cat, Deuce, frolics about. It is awfully soothing.

BS: I have heard that you are a man of many names. How did you acquire nicknames such as “Snake?”

JM: I like to observe; I am all knowing. People are often intimidated by both my attentiveness and my lankiness: the essential qualities of a snake.

BS: Interesting. As a man of your stature, you must be on the quest for love. For the ladies in the crowd, what does a woman get when she invests in you?

JM: Above all things, a tender, loving man who is not afraid to laugh or cry. In addition, they will have full access to my ankle brace collection and my Grooveshark account.

BS: Intriguing. Word on the street is that Landon “The White Mamba” Goldstein broke your ankles at Lifetime the other day. Can you confirm or deny these rumors?

JM: Sadly, the rumors are true. I’ve been wearing double ankle braces for the past few weeks.

BS: You have just been voted second sexiest male debater behind nemesis senior Reid Funston in high school policy debate by the Men’s Debate Manifesto. What is your reaction?

JM: I am speechless. This is what I’m in the business for.

BS: What feeling is sweeter: draining a jump shot or producing a perfect cross-ex question?

JM: Probably the jump shot. I just love the feeling of a good scat.

BS: What is your favorite Adele song?

JM: “Someone Like You” gets me in tears every time.